The Stay-at-Home Mom, Dreams, and Never Being Good Enough

I had dreams when I was younger. Big ones. Not the ones that pass through your imagination as you sleep. The ones that make you excited to be alive and think that one individual person can do anything if they set their mind to it. Things have changed since I have gotten older. I still have a sense that we can do much more than we settle for but my dreams seem to be on a hiatus.  I was reading Pioneer Woman the other day and something she said somewhat in passin resounded with me. She was referencing having taken over a dance studio years ago.

The only reason I decided take over the studio (which had only opened the year before) was not because it had been a dream of mine to run a ballet school. I lived 25 minutes from town, after all, and had three small children—oh, and a fourth on the way. I had no business having any dreams.

"I had no business having any dreams." That's part of what has squelched my dreaming. I have tried on several occasions to  continue on with some dreams I've had but between Phil's job being so demanding and changing constantly and the realization that raising the boys is my top priority right now, those get set aside. For me it would look more like.

I have two growing little boys and a wife to a Navy man, all who need all the love and support I can give. I have no business having any dreams.

Nowdays dreams seem to get in the way more than they inspire. There are so many other things that need to get done between laundry and homework and meals to prepare. Dreams are only a burden to my to-do list, our checkbook and my heart.
There is a possibility that all of this comes from a deep-rooted fear of mine (that I certainly don't believe is mine alone) that I could never possibly be good enough at anything I pursue. I will never be loving enough, patient enough, strong enough, fit enough, my cakes not straight enough, my house not clean enough, my pictures not clear or artistic enough, the boys' teeth not brushed enough... I could honestly go on all day. This fear is a constricting force that binds me every single day.
So what can be done, then? Do I give in and never try anything? Do I settle for being unloving, impatient, weak, flabby...?
My resolution is to write this idea from Paul on my heart and carry it with me throughout my life to remind myself that it is not about me and what I feel I can or cannot do.

I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
   My grace is enough; it's all you need.
   My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. (2 Corinthians 12:7-9ish)

Quit focusing on the handicap. Begin appreciating the gift. That's the plan, Nicole. Get to it!

My Date with Jeremiah

Jeremiah has been going to storytime at the library since shortly after Joshua started school once a week. Since they don't have storytime during the holidays, we found something a little special to do. Pre-K Art Time at the Contemporary Art Center. We got there early and found some fun things to look at and do even though it was FREEZING!

Then there was King Neptune. I have been wanting to go see him since we got here. He's huge!

There's a park right there too, even though we only stayed a few minutes.

Finally! It was time for his class. He was definitely torn between excitement for this art thing (he loves to paint) and worry that he wouldn't like it.

He liked it. Worry for nothing! We drew and pasted and stickered and looked at some of the art in their current exhibit. What a fun program.

Jeremiah remembered this from last time. He went looking for it! Asked if I could take his picture even!

Change of Plans

So a couple days ago I hinted that I had plans for other adventures while Phil was gone this time. Well, the weather has had other plans for us.
A Noreaster has blown ashore here and is creating it's havoc. Today Josh is home from school even, due to weather conditions. So here is where the Mommy job gets harder... How to make adventures when we probably shouldn't wander past the door?

Re-Becoming a Stay at Home Mom

I hadn't realized how much all these recent transitions would affect me until yesterday. After work this bout of unshakable melancholy came over me. Yesterday one of our good friends from this area left the Navy, probably for good. His enlistment ended and he chose to not re-enlist. The finality of that really resonated in my mind. Today will be Phil's last day on this base. We're not getting out of the military, but we will officially be in transit between commands. Phil will no longer have a group of guy friends to hang out with at work every day. Several more of them will be transferring or getting out in the next couple months as well.
Today will be my last day at work, and it will be a half day as well. Half of a half day means we'll only be there 2 hours. Then I will no longer be employed at all. Fortunately enough for me, my lack of a job doesn't mean I'm completely useless. I'm also a wife and a Mom so that uniquely qualifies me to revert to calling myself a stay at home mom. I was a little glum last night over the realization that I won't be around my friends from work every single day to have a grown up to talk to. I'll no longer have projects that have a concrete end to them. As frustrating as it has been at times to balance time and care for the boys with working 4 hours each weekday, it can be even more frustrating at times being the constant caretaker for the boys 24/7 with few breaks.
All of this was of course compounded with the emotions of realizing that Phil will even be leaving soon. Talk about loneliness! The consolation was in having almost an entire month left together to do as we please with no work, yet still a paycheck. We have a trip to California and a visit to Disneyland to look forward to before I have to face all of those things.
My last comfort came in a book I was reading last night. It's another military wife book that Phil got me a while ago that I just happened to pick up again. Phil had an assignment to work on for school so that made the TV off limits to me for the night. I cam across this statement that is affecting my ideas of being a stay at home mom in a really positive way. So, here I am to share it with you.
The success of the stay-at-home mom is perhaps best measured by how little she accomplishes, not how much. When she is truly connecting with her children, she is not doing laundry, dishes, cooking, yard work, driving, etc. She is doing nothing except hanging out and being with her kids. This requires a tremendous mental shift from her former career where success meant getting things done. Success with kids means not getting things done, except the bare minimum, because only when you are hanging out in the hammock, watching the leaves fall... are you giving them the absolute, undivided attention they crave.